Learned Helplessness

I used to chug cold, powdery coffee I didn't know how to make and force myself to drink bitter green tea because I read online they would stunt my growth. When months of that didn't work and I reached 5'9, I stopped trying. I chose not to really care about school because I had almost conditioned myself to think I wasn't the type to get straight A's. It wasn't until I wanted that to change that I realized I even could. There is a perceived lack of control before you realize you are capable of changing what you deem to be the written rule. While learned helplessness might apply constantly to height alterations (a fact I hate), not all negative situations immediately warrant the white flag of surrender.

For those who don't know, learned helplessness is a state of mind where someone stops trying to change negative situations because they believe all their actions to be futile. Learned helplessness shows up differently depending on the environment, but the mechanism is always the same. Like your social circle thinking of you as the 'dumb one' so you fulfill that role by choosing not to care about school. Or you not looking like your everyday, skinny, rom-com protagonist, so you believe you won't find that special someone. Or the unachievable ladder of promotion 20-years strong because you are a woman. Even in today's political climate where change feels impossibly slow. Each case of learned helplessness comes with various environments that require more effort for change than others—but not all cases warrant the white flag. A lot of the time the 'case' is shaped by representation—or the lack of it. If you never see people like you succeed in a certain space, it's easy to assume success isn't meant for you. That's why moments where stereotypes crack matter so much. Not sure how many of you watched Heated Rivalry (you should, it was wonderful), but I just read that the actor one of the main gay protagonists (Hudson Williams) has received dozens of messages from closeted athletes who felt moved enough by his performance to feel seen. When representation shifts, so does the perceived lack of control, and then the grip on the white flag loosens a little.

Per usual, a poll was conducted, and the answers felt all too familiar. One person talked about falling behind in school and convincing themselves it was "too late" until they treated rejection like exposure therapy and realized how much power they still had. Another spoke about Spanish, not as a skill but as a wound. Every attempt to learn was tangled in memories of isolation and judgement, until the language itself started to feel off-limits. Others described helplessness disguised as gendered veils; avoiding trips to the mechanic or "manly tasks" because it felt easier to say "I'm just not built for that" than to risk being scammed, judged, or wrong. Someone else admitted that after enough bad decisions in the wrong crowd, they simply stopped caring—until cutting off said crowd, made trying feel possible again. What stood out wasn't laziness or pessimism, (though both live rent free and unwelcome in my head) instead it was exhaustion. People weren't only afraid of failure, but tired of disproving a belief they had already accepted. Giving up is easier, but it's also the only option that guarantees nothing changes.

I hope these responses help you think of your own learned helplessness cases and think to the moment where things shifted. The moment where you decided helplessness wasn't the finish line. Meeting the right people. Taking a class that required visibility. Studying abroad. Realizing anxiety didn't get the final say. Believing you are meant for more makes all the difference. One response stuck with me the most: "I still have uncertainty in myself and my future, but I'm not choking on it anymore." That feels like the true opposite of learned helplessness. Not only confidence, not only certainty—just the willingness to try again without needing guarantees. Maybe learned helplessness doesn't mean we're beyond possibility, but maybe we have just adapted too well to disappointment, and more so forgot to check whether the written conditions have changed.