Fearful Regrets

What is something you missed out on, or decided not to do because you were afraid to suck at it? Something you wanted, but were afraid to hear the answer. Something you want to do, but it is out of reach. Someone you wanted, but never had the courage to say it aloud. Whether it be career, love, hobbies or even simply a car model, regrets are inevitable. So I have to ask what are some regrets that have still stuck with you today?

There are always the smaller ones that eventually lead to something greater. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that tends to go hand in hand with the supportive decision to back every choice you have ever made because you can't undo it. I am not going to regret the high school I went to because I already graduated years ago and can't undo it. I am not going to regret the shitty friends I used to have because I can't undo it and it has supplied me with a greater adoration for my current wonderful friends, as well as hilarious stories. What's done is done, what matters is what follows. Those regretful moments make for more developed ones that shape your character, yet (at least for me) those regrets are truly so freaking loud. And those are the minor ones. I do my best to remind myself that while I might think that everyone on planet Earth who witnessed my regretful moments also thinks about them as much as I do, spoiler alert: they don't. Newsflash, they do not. If you think people remember your era of bad bangs, or hormonal acne as much as you yourself think about it, you are sorely mistaken. I promise you each person is thinking of their own regretful moments and cringe history MILES before yours.

As I write this, I have realized there are different variations of regrets: embarrassments, potential, and unwritten. Allow me to elaborate. The regretful embarrassments are classic, and extremely common. That day that you wore white when you had your period, the day you threw up in public, the day your swimsuit accidentally came off on one of those surfer-simulation-wave-machine thingies at the waterpark. These are the ones that make you the most human and are less unique to you because they have happened to everyone. Potential regrets are ones that usually stem from talent, career, or relationships you didn't pursue. I have a friend who regrets not learning how to play a musical instrument or learning a third language. I regret quitting dance to pursue cheerleading when I was 10. I have always loved dance more and am correcting that regret now with ballet classes for the past 3 years. I have friends who have regretted judging others too quickly or not being as social despite their yearning to be the opposite way. The good thing about these is that if you are aware enough of their existence to regret them, then you are more than capable of correcting them. The rest are not so easy. Potential regrets regarding relationships are by far the saddest in my opinion (I am quite the romantic). These regrets stem from you not pursuing a partner that could have made you a thousand times happier than you are. Whether you were too scared to hear the answer, or they moved away, or they were dating someone else, the potential for your relationship with them remains as a regret because no one ever saw what could've been. Tiny note real quick, please tell them you love them. I bet if they died tomorrow it would kill you that you never said anything right? Okay, great then TELL THEM. The worst they can say is "no." Moving on, potential regret when it comes to careers is also rather sad and all too common. Most adults in their career fields rarely wanted to go into that career at all. It is what was expected of them, or granted them the earnings they needed, or perhaps it was all that was available at the time. My mom wanted to be a journalist, one of my professors wanted to be a professional flautist, my boss wanted to be an owner of a bed and breakfast. Regrets in every form tend to be real bummers, but then there's the unwritten regrets that you have the ability to change. The unwritten regrets are those that you know your future self would regret, so you act in a way that won't happen. I know my future self would regret me making my herniated disc way worse by dancing when the doctor has told me no, so I (begrudgingly) respect his answer. Below is my rant that sprouted the idea for this blog post that discusses unwritten regrets rather crassly, so if you ever feel the weight of all possible regrets embed themselves on your shoulders, just know that every one who has ever lived has felt the way you have and you are the furthest thing from alone when it comes to that feeling. And who knows maybe my rant below might make you feel better:

I have been researching grad schools and am actually so excited by the prospect of it. Simply looking at the programs and what they offer made me realize how low I feel now. I have a herniated disc that is healing so ballet has been on hiatus for me. Thus, all I have been doing is reading, blogging, and feeling gray at work. At first, I thought it was just a bad week and that life is peaks and valleys and I was just in a valley right now. But holy crap I do not want to sit in this office chair for the rest of my life. I would rather die. I cannot do this forever and the fear of the unknown is super fucking strong, but I would hate myself forever if I let that fear keep me here. I cannot do it. I have a bad habit of when I love a character in a show or someone disappears and I want to know what happened to them, I look up their Wiki page and usually spoil it for myself. I have never seen Gilmore Girls and know what becomes of Rory and what career she winds up with, and sometimes I wish I could do that for myself. I wonder what it would say, and I wonder what I would want it to say. But, then I know very little about how to achieve the career I want it to say. And what I do know amounts to 90% of the route to get there, relying on a leap of faith. Seeing what all the grad school curriculum offers makes me really hopeful and I don't know what to do. I honestly thought I hated school lol. I know for a fact I hated it in middle school and the first half of high school, but then I realized I was actually pretty good at math and english if I put actual effort into it and not half-ass everything like I did in the first two years. But, when I started college it took about 12 courses and 1,200 fights with my mom to realize what I really liked doing in college and what I wanted to do. I was super happy to have graduated, but man maybe it's a loophole to get out of career diving or maybe it's how I might revive my love for academic writing I don't know, but what I do know is I cannot stay here. Whether the route out is more school or a job I just know I have to do it. To be fair, I think I deem school—although more expensive—the easier route out. I graduated with a 4.0 BA in English and am applying to graduate programs in English or creative writing. It's not like me in high school with 90% musical theater classes applying for Harvard BS programs—me who took Chemistry one time and passed with a C. A job, is much harder because I only have academic employment in the field I want to work in, and every job I want ISN'T WHERE I LIVE. In Miami, Onlyindade is our only reliable news outlet. I rest my case. I have to get cracking. I should give myself more credit though, I graduated 2 months ago, and I feel like the world is going to crumble beneath me if I don't start my life plan immediately. I am allowed a moment to breathe before I move forward to the next step of my life. But, what I know for sure is that it won't be in this fucking chair.