Lingering Moments

Life is littered with little moments that manage to stick with you. Whether they are wonderful, embarrassing, or advisory, do you ever wonder why they stick? That's the funny thing about them, they manage to make our timeline and memory on Earth less linear, and more sprinkled throughout our every day, like snow (or as Nellie from Haunting of Hill House puts it, like confetti).

Unfortunately, (for me at least, I am not sure about you) I have about thirty thousand embarrassing moments my brain loves to replay. I once had to do a graded song performance for my choir class in 6th grade, and we had an audience from other classes to come and watch. Mid-song, someone sneezed and I could not stop laughing. It was genuinely a regular sneeze but I could not continue singing, I found it so funny—I got a C. Another embarrassing lingering moment is one, not only my brain likes to remind me of, but one of my best friends loves to tell me. As a kid, I used to listen to a song from a movie, write down all the lyrics on a piece of paper, and then show up at school and tell everyone I wrote it. I did that for a solid month until I got careless and would ask my friends "do you listen to the radio?" and hope the answer was no. Now I am not all-knowing, so I have a small understanding about what role these embarrassing moments play in my life. For one, I am my harshest critic so I am doing a better job at reminding myself of great moments whenever my brain has a mind of its own and is mean to me. One embarrassing moment prompts three great ones. Sometimes they are on the helpful side and when I am extremely down about myself, I will remember something dumb or funny and it would make me feel a bit better. There are also the versions of these moments with wonderful memories, like a heartfelt moment with your family, or partner, or best friend, and these by far are the most valuable. They remind you what's important. On your deathbed are you going to remember the remarkable amount of traffic you sat through? Or the touching, chest-aching, wonderful moments with those who matter to you?

Lingering moments are not always embarrassing, or wonderful, however. There are the advisory ones. I have a lingering moment of a family friend of an ex-friend I had, that I should always focus. Her and I had barely ever spoken too, and I am not sure if I just needed to hear it that day, but it stuck with me well through my childhood. Always focus on the thing you want and you will get it. I think it stuck with me more than the usual "always believe in yourself and you can do it" because it sounded more realistic and attainable. The way she said it genuinely moved me a little at the ripe age of 12, and will randomly pop up in my daily life today. I wanted a space to keep writing, I made it myself. I wanted to go to England for my summer abroad, I saved up and made it happen. While Disney and movies will accurately, and crucially, teach you to believe in yourself, I think it goes hand in hand with what you do about it. I know some might find it redundant to have an internal mantra, but they can actually be quite useful. Mine used to be "Take things as they are" because good god I would overthink into oblivion. I would stress about crap that hadn't even happened yet—crap that hadn't happened ever on planet Earth. It helped me enough that I overthink way less now, but my mantra lately has been a mix of "believing you'll do well, is half the battle," and focus.

The double edged sword of lingering moments lies in the moments we aren't proud of. It is not uncommon for you to have a memory where you weren't being a good friend, or when you acted in a way you regret. I dub them the double edged sword because it does suck to lookback on those moments and feel ashamed, but so long as you learn to do better—to do your best to never act that way again when unwarranted, then those moments are worth a lot. They give you character, and morals, and outline how you should treat others. Unfortunately, we do need moments like that in our lives to push us towards being better people. And I'm sorry, if you are reading this and you think you have none of these moments...if there is not a single memory of your life where you do not regret the way you acted...I beg you to take a long look in the mirror please because there is no way. Not to be confused with wanting to turn back time and undo all of your mistakes, I think moments like that exist but there are far less of those than the lingering moments of guilt. You need your mistakes, you need your embarrassing moments, you need the kind words that stick with you, you need the moments that push you forward. These lingering moments sprinkle all throughout your life, like confetti, and affect your next decision whether you notice it or not. So, do your best to ensure it's a decision right for you and doesn't harm anyone else.

Per usual, a census has been gathered from my friends about their lingering moments. Majority of them are the funny embarrassing kind though, so get ready to chuckle a little.

1. When my friend was 12, she went to a fancy dinner with her mom and one of her career mentors. He had said something like "and when I got to Amsterdam, my mom was there!" My friend laughed thinking what a funny coincidence to run into your mom across the world. Turns out he actually said "and when I got to Amsterdam, my mom was dead!"

2. Another friend of mine once peed herself in a corner outside during recess because she didn't know how to say "bathroom" in English. (She laughs about this dw)

3. When I was in England I was talking a cute photo of myself because it was golden hour but it blinded me from seeing the completely visible, 5-inch-thick, 8-foot-tall pole in front of me and accidentally banged my head against it. The friend from #2 was with me and was working overtime to not bust out laughing in case I passed out.

4. My hot friend, understandably, had a guy crushing on her. But another girl was crushing on him and was calling my hot friend "crayola eyebrows" because he liked my friend and not her.

5. I was in 6th grade I think, and we were playing dodgeball but we didn't have the good balls that day, we only had soccer balls so the rule was we had to roll it. I had the full motion and intention of rolling—I rolled it as I would a bowling ball—but I guess I misjudged how heavy it was because it shot upwards out of my hands and farrrrrr and smacked a girl right in the head. So I ran and moved so she couldn't see who it came from. She was super mean though she used to always call me SpongeBob before I had braces. No regrets.