Racing Milestones

Have you ever felt behind? You might see your friends get engaged, or achieve their dream careers, or buy their own place, and feel that tiny subconscious twinge of "am I doing enough?" Whether it's FOMO, literal racing, or comparing your milestones to everyone around you, the feeling of belatedness looms like a shadow in major aspects of our lives. It's borderline instinct to compare your life to those you see surpass you, that sometimes it doesn't even feel like a choice.

The concept of feeling "behind" is one all too common, and one that is rather contingent on those existing around you. If you walked this world alone, there would be no one else to race against. No clock, no invisible scoreboard. Comparison is the thief of joy because it creates a race that didn't exist before. A friend of mine pointed out that this structured mental race to get ahead before anyone else may have sprouted with industrialization. I doubt primates were victims of comparison. I doubt they grew envious of those who grew nests quicker. They just got it done. Comparison feels uniquely human and uniquely modern. And the irony? Even those who choose to isolate themselves—though benefitting from not entering in the comparative milestone race—are usually judged anyway for their loneliness. Lord knows there are countless reasons one might prefer isolation than a friend group, and while I know I wouldn't like being alone with my thoughts for too long, I can understand the beneficial pro of not having to compare yourself as often.

A usual poll census has been taken with this topic in mind, and the amount of responses I got only emphasize how common the feeling of being "behind" really is. 20 of my friends, who are still in college, all feel behind. Whether it be in things they prioritize like career achievements, or relationship goals, to smaller things like hobbies, or style. One thing is for certain: there is no way all 20 of us can possibly be behind. For one, it's usually each other that we play the comparison game with. It plays out with me feeling behind that my friend is super successful already in her career and mine hasn't played out as quickly, and then it will be her feeling behind because another friend of ours travels all the time and isn't chained to a desk, then it will be that jetsetter comparing their single life to someone else's long-term healthy relationship, and that cycle will continue over and over, until we go to sleep and then people on the other side of the Earth wake up and do the exact same thing. It's like trying to reach personal gratification so quickly that you don't enjoy your age right now. Why do we do this?

It is all too real that when you are a kid, 18 is the magic number. It's when you are finally gonna be an adult, and on your own, and live by no one else's rules but yours! I hope you can hear my sarcasm in there because no, that is not what happens. Part of that misconception stems from watching a TV show character turn 18 and get her own apartment, and move to NYC and make it big. While it is entertaining to see such fiction, I believe it plays a part in the racing milestone game because I also compare my life to those on TV who are not real. It will make me feel better when i see 26 year-old Rachel Green start her life over, as it reminds me that I have time to start my career and make mistakes, but why do I need the fictional reality to tell me that? All 20 of my friends are young. And yet we all feel the same way. It's like we need someone else to shake our shoulders and tell us we do not need to be rich and famous by 18. There is no DaVinci code to crack by the time you turn 21 that reveals your perfect life plan. There is no rush to have it all figured out. A friend of mine pointed out the comparison race will lead to immediate gratification vs. delayed gratification. Some will chase the quick "win" even if it isn't what they want long-term. It's like when you see someone get their dream apartment, but fill it hastily with IKEA furniture because it's quick, cheap, and accessible. Rather than taking the time to find meaningful pieces that contribute to the feeling of home. You have heard the phrase "quality over quantity," but for this post I would reword to say "quality over quickness." The quality of your own life matters most, and feeling behind will often push people toward the cheaper version of life because it's easier. When you trust your ability to get where you're going, you care less about being "behind." Confidence is what builds this patience. And this patience, to live as you are and trust that your choices will lead you to the life you are meant to have, leads to realizing how feeble and trivial the race really is.

Factors that are unyielding like location, market, and financials also contribute to the milestone races. So, you cannot possibly be behind on all fronts because not all fronts are susceptible to change in the first place. You might love to crochet thick knit sweaters but live in Florida—thus zero need nor market for such an item. Move to Maine and you'd make a killing. You might want to get your own apartment but see that the Miami market is not great right now (efficiencies are $1.5k. Let that sink in). Then you check Zillow and see that apartments in Indiana are not so bad. There are mutable factors that are the basis of the comparison race but don't kick yourself for not being able to do the impossible and change the course of Miami real estate. Don't kick yourself for not finding a better job as quickly as someone else has. Don't kick yourself for not having your own hobbies the way you see others do. There is still plenty of time for you to discover so much about yourself. You move at your own pace because it is yours. Your timeline, your story. But because we live in society, we are almost conditioned to measure our successes not individually, but socially. And that is where the spiral begins—the moment someone else's timeline becomes a ruler or a stopwatch against your own. It is impossible for you to be behind in your own life. You are not behind. You are just early in a chapter you haven't finished reading yet.